Sunday, August 21, 2016

Arrived home today from a four day vacation at a house on Lake Itasca. We had fun, but I am glad to be in my cozy apartment with my kitty, Emma. Being around toddlers every day makes me realize how much I really do not want children. I love my nephews a lot and would do anything for them, but my personality type needs a lot of alone time and low anxiety situations. So, tonight I will relish my high-pitched scream free zone and queen bed!

I am finding that I do a lot of things because I want to please other people. I think other people know what is best for me; I do not trust my own judgement. So, tomorrow I will let go of a project I am involved in to please other people. I will spend time with my writing and organizing the manuscript. There is a grant I will be checking into and will research a few journals where my work might fit. The problem with depression and anxiety is that sometimes I need to make mistakes in order to find what is best for me. A couple tweaks need to be made, but in general I feel like I am doing what I need to do.

That doesn't mean, however, that life is rosy. My depression is rearing its ugly head and I have been feeling like I am stuck and that all parts of me are broken. But, I am taking small steps toward some happiness and fulfillment. For the rest of my life I will have periods where my depression is worse than others, but I do not need to let those times completely derail me. I will always need help: therapy, medication, supportive family and friends. I am learning to be okay with that.

On September 1st I will start a month-long challenge to write a poem-a-day. There will be a day here and there where I may be out of town, but I will do my best to write daily. In the interest of my writing career, I will not be able to post these daily poems, but I will try to update the blog weekly to let you know how it is going.

These last days of summer will pass quickly.

Peace and Love,

Erin

Sunday, July 24, 2016

I am the kind of reader that needs to be reading the right book at the right time. So, I have a lot of false starts. I begin books with the best intentions, but end up not "feeling" it and trying something else. I don't get rid of the discarded book, because it might end up being the right book at some later time. I suppose I have a weird relationship with books; they are emotional objects. Once I've read something, it is definitely a part of of my life forever. Especially with my poetry books, giving them away feels like they are being ripped from me. I mourn them. So it makes perfect sense that the book I am currently reading needs to "click" with me. I am, essentially, in a relationship with them.

Working on my writing is becoming more of a priority. I can see clearly that my future is in that world, so motivation is less of a problem. I am taking it slow, so I don't freak myself out. It is important I start sending poems out again, so I will take Wednesdays to do that. Having poems out in the world for consideration feels like I am a part of something, instead of living on the fringes, holed up in my apartment.

Peace and Love,
Erin

Wednesday, July 06, 2016

Welcome to summer! As usual, I have spent June with the best intentions regarding reading and writing.  However, I was lucky enough to land a spot in Natalie Diaz's workshop at the 2016 Minnesota Northwoods Writers Conference, held right here at Bemidji State University. Natalie is an amazing poet and teacher! She helped me approach my writing and editing processes in a new way. It was truly an amazing way to spend a week!

I finally finished the Anthony Doerr novel and was blown away. His sentences are so lucid, strange, and wonderful. I feel I have changed as a person as a direct result of reading this novel. War is not something I generally choose to read about, but I am glad I took my mother's advice and picked it up. I am starting a collection of short stories by Lorraine Lopez titled Homicide Survivors Picnic. I am also starting Saeed Jones' collection, Prelude to Bruise.

Motivation is difficult for me. I want to work on projects and get things accomplished, but I am just so scared of starting.  What if I fail? What if I succeed? What if I devote time and energy to things other people might not find valuable? I read somewhere that one of the most important things we need to learn about motivation, is that we don't have to "feel" like working on projects. You get up and work on them anyway. Poetry is important to me and I need my schedule to reflect that. So, I will be starting a new schedule tomorrow and experimenting to find what works best for me.

It feels like my depression is finally stable and has been for a while. This is scary for me, but I am going to move forward with my poetry and reading lives as if the next awful thing isn't around the corner. I know I will go through periods of depression and anxiety for the rest of my life, but it is time to stop letting those setbacks derail my whole life.

Peace and Love,

Erin

Friday, March 11, 2016

Starting Over

In the interest of starting over, I have deleted all my old posts. Originally, this blog had no real focus and I felt like I jumped all over the place. Entries were easy, breezy, and lacked any depth.

I have decided that the second half of 2016 is going to be all about my reading and writing lives -- Following are the ways I intend to use this blog:

 I will use the blog as a place to keep track of what I have read (which I've never done before).  I hope this will help motivate me to not read at a snail's pace.  I want to set a reading goal, but I am afraid I will fail miserably. However, if I set a reasonable, achievable goal at first, my chances of succeeding increase.  I can re-evaluate my goals later and push myself to read more.  Right now, I feel safe committing to reading one novel and one book of poetry a month.  I started out the year reading very slowly, so I find myself still reading that same book.  My goal for these last few days of May is to finish Anthony Doerr's All the Light We Cannot See. I will start a new novel around June 1st and pick a poetry book to start things off!

Another way I intend to use this blog is to keep track of my life of poetry. I will list upcoming events, publications, and general thoughts about what is happening in poetry. Living in northern MN, I struggle to find people with whom I can talk about poetry, so it is my hope that you will read this blog and interact with me!

Here is to a productive second half of 2016!

Love,
Erin