Arrived home today from a four day vacation at a house on Lake Itasca. We had fun, but I am glad to be in my cozy apartment with my kitty, Emma. Being around toddlers every day makes me realize how much I really do not want children. I love my nephews a lot and would do anything for them, but my personality type needs a lot of alone time and low anxiety situations. So, tonight I will relish my high-pitched scream free zone and queen bed!
I am finding that I do a lot of things because I want to please other people. I think other people know what is best for me; I do not trust my own judgement. So, tomorrow I will let go of a project I am involved in to please other people. I will spend time with my writing and organizing the manuscript. There is a grant I will be checking into and will research a few journals where my work might fit. The problem with depression and anxiety is that sometimes I need to make mistakes in order to find what is best for me. A couple tweaks need to be made, but in general I feel like I am doing what I need to do.
That doesn't mean, however, that life is rosy. My depression is rearing its ugly head and I have been feeling like I am stuck and that all parts of me are broken. But, I am taking small steps toward some happiness and fulfillment. For the rest of my life I will have periods where my depression is worse than others, but I do not need to let those times completely derail me. I will always need help: therapy, medication, supportive family and friends. I am learning to be okay with that.
On September 1st I will start a month-long challenge to write a poem-a-day. There will be a day here and there where I may be out of town, but I will do my best to write daily. In the interest of my writing career, I will not be able to post these daily poems, but I will try to update the blog weekly to let you know how it is going.
These last days of summer will pass quickly.
Peace and Love,